The Fenway Park Birthday Article at 100 Years That Never Happened


 Hello all.  So here is the deal.  When you write for a magazine, regardless of size (not saying we are small; in my head we are going global baby) you must sometimes write for the news.  Meaning, when a certain topic is going to dominate the news cycle, you offer an opinion.  Since this site was designed to create conversations around pop culture, this logic makes perfect sense.  So, today is the 100 year birthday party for Fenway Park and naturally, we should write about it, right?   Well, my fabulous editor and partner, Stephanie Burke, decided to write a nice little story about Fenway Park and asked for my opinion.

Below is the text message exchange between us:

6:33 am

Stephanie:  Hey, Jack, Good morning, I’m working on kind of a birthday card to Fenway Park, should be done in a couple minutes, but can u read before I post cause I’m not sure if it makes sense to anyone else.

Jack: (Or what he thinks of himself, Caesar)  Little early for this, don’t ya think?

Stephanie: Umm, not really.  Anyway, I’m sending you the article, please let me know what you think ok?

Jack:  Sure, send it over and I’ll take a look.

32 seconds later

Jack:  It works, go for it.

Stephanie: R u sure it’s not stupid? Cause is rather have u tell me then post it and have others tell me. It was just a thought to get up something quick on a hot topic today.

Jack: Well, I mean, I would throw some more negativity in there cuz that is what people are feeling. But it’s up to u.

Stephanie: Hmm, but it’s suppose to be like a B-day card.  u don’t put negative things in a B-day card?!

Jack: Says who?  I would have no problem throwing negativity in a B-day card.  In fact, now that you mention it, the next person I give a B-day card to, it will be filled with negativity.

Stephanie: Really??  lol  OMG that is so mean, your crazy haha.

Jack: I have heard that before.  Anyhow, about this Fenway thing, the more I think about it, we should eviscerate them and use the 100 year Birthday as the perfect platform to do it.

Stephanie: You think so?  Wow, we are so on opposite ends of this one lol.  Why are u so negative about this?

Jack:  Haha. Do u know the current mentality of Red Sox fans ?   It is beyond negative.  It is like negative on Crack and Steroids combined. The state of Red sox Nation is almost as bad as the Newt Gingrich campaign. But, whatever, if you wanna write something positive, rock on girl!  It’s your world.

Stephanie: haha Believe me, I know how pissed people are! But its about the park not the team. So I think I will probably just not post it then. I was just hoping to get something up about it so when people r googling it today we would pop up. Idk now I have to think about it lol

Jack: Actually, the more I think about it, u write something positive and I will use what you write as creative fire to absolutely destroy them.

Stephanie:  lol Are u having a bad morning Jack?

Jack: Every morning is bad if it starts before 6:45am!!!?????!!!!!!   Look, here is the truth.  I hate this team.  I refuse to root for them and I am ok with this.  In fact, I feel a strange sense of comfort  being cynical about the Red Sox.  Almost like a dog who has returned home to his owner after escaping through the back yard fence.  I am glad we broke the curse and it happened before the age of 30, but everything else that followed has been unbearable.

Stephanie: lol, what do u mean, everything else that has followed?  I am so confused.

Jack: Omfg, where do I begin. The creation of the pink hats, the goofiness of ‘supposedly real’ Red Sox fans.  The Texas Tough Guy, John Lackey, Carl “don’t believe what your eyes are seeing and the logical thought that he totally sucks, but Baseball ‘experts’ get on TV and start rambling on about how good he was in Tampa Bay playing in front of 567 people a night and never hit more than 19 home-runs, and has just had wrist surgery and now his elbow is all fucked up, O and also, makes 20 fucking million a year” Crawford.  What else.  O ya, the whole Theo debacle.  Letting him walk for a 50 year old softball player.  John Henry partnering up with LeBron James.  The fact the ownership just stopped caring after the second title.  It was like the whole Red Sox thing was a a passionate weekend fling with a girl they met at bar.  At first they were all excited and thought “hey, this might work, I really like this girl, and then, just like that, “Poww”, here is your cab money, text me if u want, I might respond.”  Omg,  I hate them so much!!!!

Stephanie:  Ok, sounds like you really don’t like the Red Sox huh?!? lol

Jack: I am not even close to done.  Btw, do u like the whole Sweet Caroline thing?

Stephanie: Haha lol I’m Jewish we live for Neal Diamond, so for that reason, I have to say yes.

Jack: Ok, well, I will give u a pass because you are doing it for Israel,,,,

Stephanie: haha your funny,  I am not doing it for Israel, I’m just saying what Jewish person doesn’t like Neal?

Jack:  Whatever, I hate that song.  And yes, I use the word hate.  I can’t stand it.  I went to a game last year and they were getting killed and when it was time to sing that song, everybody went into a euphoric frenzy.  It made no sense.  They were losing, why were people so happy????!!!!

Stephanie:  I get it.  I don’t like the whole Pink hat thing either, but,

Jack:  I am so not done.  Ya know what else I hate about that song?!  Everytime I travel this is what I encounter from my fellow moronic Americans:

Moronic American: What’s up dude?, your from Boston?  That’s so cool.  Can u say Havahd and Pahk…

me:  Absolutely not.

Moronic American:  Hey, did u see that movie The Town?  I didn’t realize that kids from Boston were so good at math and robbed banks, that’s so cool.

Me: (beyond annoyed)

Moronic American:  Hey, let’s go request Sweet Caroline from the Dj and we can get everybody to sing along.

Me:  Somebody please bundle this kid.

Stephanie:  haha ok, I get your point.  You hate the Red Sox.  But Jack, it seems like you have some issues.  I only wanted to write a birthday card about Fenway Park, I am sorry it got you so upset.

Jack:  It’s ok Steph, your a good person.  Don’t even listen to me.  Write whatever you want.  But, like I said before, I feel at home.  It is fun when the Red Sox are in turmoil.  It feels very natural to me.  So in a sick and twisted way, I like where they are at. Do you understand?

Stephanie: I guess.  So basically, you enjoy it when you can be  tortured by them?

Jack:  Exactly!!  I am a true Red Sox fan.  I secretly like the pain.  And now since they suck again, I might be able to afford to go.

Stephanie: Got it Jack!  Well, I hope your day improves, Go Red Sox 😉

Jack: haha F. U.





6 Responses to The Fenway Park Birthday Article at 100 Years That Never Happened

  1. Ali says:

    I simply love this, that is all. 🙂

  2. Teddy Ballgame says:

    haha thanks!!! you read my fucking mind!!!!…. I mean yeah it was cool to see bobby doerr & johnny pesky rolled out there & have 200 red sox around them (pretty much a re-enactment of a genuine moment, the 99 all-star game with teddy, only all sox)….but we got shelled after & NOBODY is gonna blink an eye! 5 homers! and bobby v is in-fucking-sane. have you heard some of the shit he’s said. makes no sense….oh and yesterday they opened the doors & 50 thousand fucking pinkhats marched right in saying “ooohhh look at the monster seats… -the most expensive bleachers in history. why would i want box seats or grandstand when I can be 300 some odd feet away from & at least 37 feet above the action? oh yeah cuz i don’t care about SEEING the game, just BEING SEEN at the game” Real fans got bought out for a wally, pinkhat, singalong, baseball disneyland. the cost of 2 titles. was it worth it???…im not sure I’d trade it still though…i mean i cried in 04! but i guess this is the price we have to pay for winning. i see it with the b’s now too.

  3. mike kelly says:

    i was crackin up reading this because this is the real you

  4. Arc62 says:

    Thanks for explaining EXACTLY how i feel about this team! Special thanks for reminding me how I love to be tortured by them!!

  5. johnny Kelly says:

    leave my red sox alone….there on a winning streek!go sox

  6. The Fenway Park Birthday Article at 100 Years That Never Happened | Coffee with Caesar is an excellent write-up. I will spend more time exploring this subject.

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