Tag Archives: Red Sox

Heidi Watney Calls Jason Varitek and Gives Him an Earful


A hypothetical phone call between Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek and NESN sideline beauty Heidi Watney.

(Phone rings at the house of Jason Varitek or as some have come to know him by his name “The Captain”)

The Captain: Hello?
Watney: Hi Jason, it’s me Heidi, we need to talk.
The Captain: umm, about what Heidi?
Watney: Don’t fucking play dumb Jason, you know what I am calling about!
The Captain: hold on, don’t get all crazy, why are you so mad?  Please Heidi, I just got
married again?!
Watney: Listen to me you fat and over the hill asshole, you need to set the record straight on this bullshit rumor that keeps going around that I had sex with you.  First off, I never slept with you!! I kissed you for like 5 seconds in that hideous hotel bar in Baltimore and then I told you we can’t do this and I left.  And the only reason I kissed your ugly ass in the first place, was to get that idiot Nick Green mad because for some stupid reason he looked up to you.  What a fucking idiot.  Nick Green! I have the worst luck with guys!
The Captain: Woah!  Calm down Heidi, I have done nothing wrong, I even told Nick that we didn’t,,,,,
Watney: Bullshit Jason!  Don’t try and weasel out of this.  You did nothing to defuse this rumor.  In fact, your supposed boy Beckett told me that you said to him that it was totally true and he even said I gave you,,,,,,
The Captain: Hold it right there Heidi! Now your out of line.  I never told Josh anything like that.  I am offended you would resort to such nonsense.  And you know how I know your lying?  Josh would never do that to me.  He is basically the reason I am still on the Red Sox because that idiot John Henry thinks Beckett “needs” me to be successful.  So your just wrong!
The Captain: Why are you laughing Heidi?!?
Watney: You know Jason, you are such an fool!  No wonder why your ex wife stopped dealing with your bullshit.  You really think Josh gives a fuck about you?  Seriously!?! Why don’t you ask your new wife how she knows Josh?
The Captain: Now you are crossing the line Heidi!  I was very good to you, I even told Nick that nothing happened between us and now you want to blame all of this media stuff on me?  It’s just not fair to bring my wife into this.
Watney: (laughing and smirking) Whatever Jason, you are such an idiot.  I know you told people the rumors were true, but I don’t even care anymore.  I actually pity you.  You totally let people think those rumors were true so you could look all cool.  Are we still in high school here?  And, when do you want me to tell you about how Josh met your new wife?
The Captain: (furious) Heidi, you are such a B!$(# !!  I can’t believe I thought you were ever a friend.  We are Fucking done!!  You hear me Heidi?  Done!!
Watney: (laughing hysterically now) Well, I am glad we are because, A) we were never anythingin the first place and B) good luck keeping your new wife happy as you beg the Pittsburg Pirates to sign your whopping 221 average, while trying to foolishly convince people “you help the pitching staff.”  Speaking of which, how is the fried chicken in Pittsburg?  Do you think your new wife will like it there?  Did you tell her that most of your money goes to your ex?  How does she feel about the future now?
The Captain: Fuck you Heidi, Fuck you, Fuck,,,,,
Watney:  Bye Jason, tell your wife Josh says hi!
(dial tone)

The Captain:  Fuck me!!!! (slams the phone down)

The Epic Collapse of The Red Sox


In a story for the Boston Globe, it was revealed what many people already knew; the Boston Red are a hot mess.  The Globe, guided most likely by Red Sox ownership, decided to drive a horse over the head of Terry Francona on the way out the door.  For those of you who do not know, the Red Sox thought it was necessary to tell everybody that Francona was a drug addict.  Now, it’s quite possible this story is true, but that is beside the point.  If Francona is struggling with addiction, like millions across this country, this little tidbit by the ownership will not help him.  It was a low blow and a dirty move that was unnecessary.  If they had any decency, they would have offered him help and simply said “it was time to move on.”  But instead, the Red Sox treated francona like he was their ex, jilted lover when a relationship ends.  Not only did they break up with Francona, they told everyone, “O by the way, he was a nice guy and all, but we really broke up because I think he has herpes.”

Now comes word that Theo Epstein has inked a 20 million  deal with Cubs.  The Red Sox ownership, which is currently gearing up for a stupid Spook World event at Fenway Park, is in a legitimate chaos.  As a result of introducing the dirty laundry with Francona, the gloves are off around Boston concerning rumors.  Yesterday, on the ultra successful Boston sports radio show, Felger and Mazz, it was openly discussed about certain rumors concerning certain people within the Red Sox organization.  Heidi Watney, who works for NESN as a Red Sox sideline reporter and it was insinuated by Felger as being possibly associated with some in the Red Sox clubhouse, had this harsh reaction to Michael Felger on twitter concerning the rumors about her and Captain Jason Variteck: “If Felger was ever in the clubhouse he might be able to talk about the team with some knowledge rather than just repeating rumors.”

Watney has a point to be frustrated, but her angst should not be directed towards Felger, but Red Sox ownership.  People such as Felger need listeners so a topic such is this, sex and high paid athletes is irresistible in a talk show format.  Do I believe Felger should be talking about people’s personal life?  Absolutely not! But when the ownership uses personal dirty laundry as a PR tactic against a former employee, it simply opens the door for this circus.  Look, Heidi Watney is a beautiful and successful young woman who has every right to do whatever she wants in her private life.  But her boss, the Red Sox ownership, has opened this door by talking about Francon’s personal life.

Unfortunately, it seems the Red Sox are unraveling and I think they need to clean house. Do not resign Wakefield, or “The Captain”, and I would also let David Ortiz walk, who apparently is in awe of the Yankees anyway.  Try trading Beckett and just outright release train wreck John Lackey.  Ya, I know, the Red Sox will eat a lot of money, but instead of Lackey pitching for the Red Sox, maybe he can work for Spooky World for the next two years and scare kids with that ugly mug of his.  Because if he is still in this rotation next year, I can think of nothing more scarier.

And if none of these moves transpire and this team largely remains in tact, well then maybe Red Sox nation should follow the actions of another movement in Boston and Occupy.

Instead of Occupy Boston, let us Occupy Fenway!