(Phone rings at the house of Jason Varitek or as some have come to know him by his name “The Captain”)

The Captain: Hello?

Watney: Hi Jason, it’s me Heidi, we need to talk.

The Captain: umm, about what Heidi?

Watney: Don’t fucking play dumb Jason, you know what I am calling about!

The Captain: hold on, don’t get all crazy, why are you so mad?  Please Heidi, I just got

married again?!

Watney: Listen to me you fat and over the hill asshole, you need to set the record straight on this bullshit rumor that keeps going around that I had sex with you.  First off, I never slept with you!! I kissed you for like 5 seconds in that hideous hotel bar in Baltimore and then I told you we can’t do this and I left.  And the only reason I kissed your ugly ass in the first place, was to get that idiot Nick Green mad because for some stupid reason he looked up to you.  What a fucking idiot.  Nick Green! I have the worst luck with guys!

The Captain: Woah!  Calm down Heidi, I have done nothing wrong, I even told Nick that we didn’t,,,,,

Watney: Bullshit Jason!  Don’t try and weasel out of this.  You did nothing to defuse this rumor.  In fact, your supposed boy Beckett told me that you said to him that it was totally true and he even said I gave you,,,,,,

The Captain: Hold it right there Heidi! Now your out of line.  I never told Josh anything like that.  I am offended you would resort to such nonsense.  And you know how I know your lying?  Josh would never do that to me.  He is basically the reason I am still on the Red Sox because that idiot John Henry thinks Beckett “needs” me to be successful.  So your just wrong!

The Captain: Why are you laughing Heidi?!?

Watney: You know Jason, you are such an fool!  No wonder why your ex wife stopped dealing with your bullshit.  You really think Josh gives a fuck about you?  Seriously!?! Why don’t you ask your new wife how she knows Josh?

The Captain: Now you are crossing the line Heidi!  I was very good to you, I even told Nick that nothing happened between us and now you want to blame all of this media stuff on me?  It’s just not fair to bring my wife into this.

Watney: (laughing and smirking) Whatever Jason, you are such an idiot.  I know you told people the rumors were true, but I don’t even care anymore.  I actually pity you.  You totally let people think those rumors were true so you could look all cool.  Are we still in high school here?  And, when do you want me to tell you about how Josh met your new wife?

The Captain: (furious) Heidi, you are such a B!$(# !!  I can’t believe I thought you were ever a friend.  We are Fucking done!!  You hear me Heidi?  Done!!

Watney: (laughing hysterically now) Well, I am glad we are because, A) we were never anythingin the first place and B) good luck keeping your new wife happy as you beg the Pittsburg Pirates to sign your whopping 221 average, while trying to foolishly convince people “you help the pitching staff.”  Speaking of which, how is the fried chicken in Pittsburg?  Do you think your new wife will like it there?  Did you tell her that most of your money goes to your ex?  How does she feel about the future now?

The Captain: Fuck you Heidi, Fuck you, Fuck,,,,,

Watney:  Bye Jason, tell your wife Josh says hi!

The Captain:  Fuck me!!!! (slams the phone down)