By Tedd Emelianov

To whom it may concern,

I found your posting on a job search website and convention dictates that I need to write a cover letter. I took a course in college on how to get a job, and it told me cover letters were an important way I could distinguish myself from the rest of the crowd. To do this, I studied examples from successful cover letters and decided to copy what they did, a unique tactic I’m sure.

Since I’ve gotten the introduction out of the way, the next step according to the cover letter guide I found on the internet tells me this is the part I should draw parallels between my previous experience and the responsibilities you listed in the job description. This is clearly not a waste of time as you won’t be reviewing my resume and I won’t be simply rephrasing points that I make there. Furthermore, since I am well aware of the skills of all the other potential candidates, this section will contain no humility, only confidence.

After consulting with a friend who reviews cover letters for a living, I decided to add a section regarding my personality. I will now describe how hard working and easy to get along with I am, even though I don’t really know what kind of work environment you provide is. I can claim with certainty that I will gel nicely with all of your employees and won’t make any waves. You should definitely trust what I write here as I am not concerned with getting the job myself and would definitely list all of my potential faults to ensure that you hire the proper candidate.

I will end this letter with a truly sincere thank you and an expressed desire to speak with you in the future about my potential employment. I can rest easy at night knowing I haven’t misrepresented myself and wrote a completely original letter rather than using the mountain of resources available to me or simply copying text from others that I had written before. I am convinced that you can make an informed decision on who to meet with based off of the cover letters submitted.

Respectfully

No one in particular